A.A.A.D.D.

My husband recently sent me this email and said it fit me to a tee:

A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome 
- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my small RV garden.

As I turn on the hose , I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the storage shed, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that the manager brought by from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take the trash to the park dumpster first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover one of my 10 pairs of reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the chair where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head toward the other end of the RV trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• The car isn't washed.
• The bills aren't paid.
• There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
• The flowers don't have enough water.
• There is still only one check in my checkbook.
• I can't find the TV remote.
• I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Let me clarify, this is not our office...yet

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................

Inbred Cat

Everyone's heard of how inbreeding can cause birth defects and this can be true in the animal kingdom as well.  This photo displays the possible outcome of such inbreeding and serves as a warning for pet owners to be cautioned when breeding their pets with other members of their pet family.  The "Inbred Cat" below is a classic case. 

 

I know, pretty silly.

Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.



The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

RV Dictionary-The Real Meanings

Found this online and wanted to share the lighter side of RV technology/terminology...
Ever wondered the real meaning of some of the common RV phrases and lingo? If so, you need to read this "Lug_Nut Wacky Glossary for Recreational Vehicles." I isn’t quite the “RV Language for Dummies”, but should help you in understanding the real meanings of some of the more common words and phases associated with RVing.
A

Air Brakes: Useful if awnings deploy during high speed travel. (See Awnings)

Air Horns: Used late at night in campgrounds by Air Heads.
Allison Tranny: The girl that works the RV show information booth that is married to Joe Tranny.
Awnings: Wing like appendages that can deploy at high speeds in heavy wind to add lift and reduce vehicle weight. (Also see Air Brakes)

B

Back Up Camera: Always a good idea. Your Canon single lens reflex could crap out.

Batteries: Black square things that are capable of lighting your coach for about 15 minutes when it is not plugged in.
Boondocking: Being unable to figure out how to plug the RV in to an electrical outlet.

C

Campsite Power Pedestal: A place to anchor your RV using wires and hoses. Also acts as a bumper if you drive too far off the pad. Sometimes seen dragging behind a departing RV.

Charger: A small piece of plastic that that is frequently used to fix stuff on your RV that breaks, also called Visa.
Clearance Lights: Electrical light bulbs on sale.

D

Departure Angle: A scheme to skip camp before your new found friend, Cousin Eddy, wakes up.

Diesel Engine: Sounding like a herd of knock kneed cattle, it serves as a sign of departing camp within the next hour or two.
Diesel Pusher: A class “A” motor home with a diesel engine mounted in the rear, thereby pushing it.
Diesel Puller: A tow truck or wrecker attached to the front of a class “A” motor home.
Discount RV Resort: Walmart. (Note: At this time there are no class “A” only Walmarts)
Docking Lights: Handy for RVing after dark in flood prone regions.
F

Fantastic Fan: Any electric table fan you can find if your air conditioning breaks down.

Fifth Wheel: Your mother-in-law on an otherwise, nice camping weekend.

Full Body Paint: Great for Halloween, but hard to wash off.
G

GPS Navigation: A video game that is legal to play while driving.

H

Halogen Ceiling Lights: Good lighting that can illuminate an RV for about 2 hours before the bulb burns out.

Head: Also referred to as “The John”, “The Great White Thrown”, “The Thunder Bowl”
I

In-Motion Dish: A round like salad bowl with rubber on the bottom to prevent sliding while moving. Great for popcorn. Also a name for a dish left on the counter during a panic stop event.

J
Jake Brake: Similar to a smoke break but Jake is usually smoked in a pipe.

K

K.O.A.: Kertainly a great plake to kamp. You kan usually rely on konsisent kamping servikes. They kan be found in the U.S. and Kanada.

L

Leveling Jacks: A camping board game played with a level bubble and a dice. If a player breaks the windshield the other players win by default.

M

Mouse: Usually accompanied by other ones, thereby better described as mice. These normally occupy the little inhabited RV basement.

N

No Address Found: Standard response to any location entered in the GPS navigating. Usually followed by “Make A U-Turn If Possible” and the often repeated "recalculating."

O

Outdoor Entertainment Center: Grey screen that provides hours of entertainment trying to determine what’s on during a normal bright sunny day.

P

Pop-Up: An annoying page that pops up while on your computer.

S
Sewer Hose: Colorful leaky hose, much like a soaker hose, but smellier.
Shower (RV Shower): It is difficult to express the showering experience felt in an entry level RV, but, perhaps it could be best described as standing naked in a closet with a wet dog.
Service (RV Service): A mythical belief which its existence is yet to be confirmed. Much like the Abominable Snowman.
Slide Out: Great for meeting new people while getting leaks and malfunctions fixed in service shops.
Spring Park Brake: Actually pronounced “Spring Break Park”, a gathering place for spring breakers near Fort Lauderdale.

T

Tag Axle: An axle on sale at a dealer usually associated with a red tag special.

Trailer Hitch Ball: Wild wedding party in a trailer park.
W
Warranty: This is a period of time after which the vehicle self destructs.
Wet Hubs: Found on the front axle. Most common cause is a large male dog.

Reprinted from: The Lug_Nut RV Whacky Glossary. The Real Meanings

A Texan Fable

Most people who've traveled in Texas know that Texans love their state. Here's a reason why:

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , San Diego , Chicago , Greensboro , Tampa and all around the United States , he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Dallas , behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"




The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

Be Careful How You Abrieviate

Found this 'funny" in a camping guide and thought I'd share...

A rather old fashioned lady from New York, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Texas with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have its own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the  lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around to a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

"Dear Madam,I regret very much the delay in answering
your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located
nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at
one time.I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of
going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
"I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but
it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the
time.As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the
cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could
go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the
other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.

RV Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a class A motorhome when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his RV when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" 

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic, who straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish it works just like new. So how come I'm paid so little compared to you when we're doing basically the same work? 

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

BRAN FLAKES

Tony and Yvonne were 75 years old and had been married for fifty years and RVing for the last twenty. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies while they stayed at their home park and took occasional trips to visit family across the country. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and walking the RV parks' nature trails for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on an airline trip to see their son's family and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a brand new 45'mobile home, five large slide outs, furnished in their favorite colors and fabrics, with a fully stocked kitchen and a jacuzzi in the bath. Their favorite clothes were all hanging in the closet.  They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'  Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, all you can eat. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne  'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, the bran flakes and the decaffeinated tea?' 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'  'Never again' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

Only a Southerner...

Being an RVer who 'ended up' in the South, let me pass along some things I've come to know..

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. 

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder." 

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ..  as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table. 

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well. 

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big
bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they
also know to add a large banana puddin! 

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road a piece"
can be 1 mile or 20. 

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn 

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb. 

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines . and when we're
"in line"... 

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage. 

In the South, y'all is singular ....  all y'all is plural  

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. 

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" is the opposite of buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say,"Bless her
heart"... and go your own way. 

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff ...  bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
classes on Southernness as a second language! 

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." 

Bless your hearts ...  y'all have a blessed day.  PS...We love Northerners too...used to be one.

Moonlighting Farmer

An RVer in a 5'er got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road near San Antonio, Texas. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $20. After the 5'er was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, "At those prices, I bet you're pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Identity Confusion

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a neighboring camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."

A Trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "no," I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's behind and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to bust a gut he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.