Monday, June 13, 2011


Tony and Yvonne were 75 years old and had been married for fifty years and RVing for the last twenty. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies while they stayed at their home park and took occasional trips to visit family across the country.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and walking the RV parks' nature trails for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on an airline trip to see their son's family and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a brand new 45'mobile home, five large slide outs, furnished in their favorite colors and fabrics, with a fully stocked kitchen and a jacuzzi in the bath. Their favorite clothes were all hanging in the closet.  They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' 
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, all you can eat.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne  'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, the bran flakes and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'



Sunday, June 12, 2011

Only a Southerner...

Being an RVer who 'ended up' in the South, let me pass along some things I've come to know..

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ..  as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big
bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they
also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road a piece"
can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines . and when we're
"in line"... 
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular ....  all y'all is plural  
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. 
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" is the opposite of buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say,"Bless her
heart"... and go your own way.
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff ...  bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Bless your hearts ...  y'all have a blessed day.  PS...We love Northerners too...used to be one.

Moonlighting Farmer

An RVer in a 5'er got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road near San Antonio, Texas. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $20. After the 5'er was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, "At those prices, I bet you're pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Identity Confusion

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a neighboring camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."